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I Bet The Bellini Has A Backstory Too
Oct. 19th, 2009 05:25 pmIt is 1990. I am visiting my mother.
Mom is a pack-rat. I've offered to help clear some of the junk out of her condo. Hers is a mild case, but she is a "cardboard boxes tetrised with whatever" kind of hoarder, so it's going to take a lot of time to sort through it all.
She announces that she has finally had it with all of her boxes of unlabeled videotapes. "So I'm going to watch all of them, one by one, and see which ones get labeled, and which ones get recorded over."
While she sits in her blue recliner with the set remote, I choose a box of black videocassettes, set them on a chair next to the television, and pop the first one into the VCR.
Immediately the television screen displays what appears to be a giant, glistening, apricot danish. With chest trauma. Someone has shot and mortally wounded a breakfast pastry. Why would somebody do that? What kind of cooking show would allow this?
These thoughts pass in a jumble through my head. Actually, it isn't an apricot danish at all. It's the CBS eye. Only it's sideways and pink, and it looks like Cronenberg had a hand in designing...
I realize that I am looking at a vagina. The second I know this, the camera pulls back, and I see that it belongs to my little sister. She is naked, leaning against pillows on my mother's bed. She is completely beavered out. Her boyfriend is videotaping her. And her big apricot snizz.
I stop the tape. Somehow, I do not scream. My mother and I are silent. All of this has transpired in three, perhaps four seconds. I eject the tape. I place the tape in the "erase" pile. Then I leave the room to give my mother some time alone.
I told this story to my friends a while back. After they recovered, Richard said, "Did you really just call it an apricot snizz? That sounds like a cocktail."
So naturally we worked at concocting The Apricot Snizz. Here is what we arrived at.
The Apricot Snizz:
1 part Kern's apricot nectar (or equivalent)
3 parts Champagne or sparkling wine
1 dash of creme de cassis
Okay, so really it's a cross between a Kir Royale and a Bellini, only with apricot purée instead of peach, but I'll be damned if it isn't really good.
So enjoy. Share it with your friends. Spread the Apricot Snizz around. God knows my sister did.
Mom is a pack-rat. I've offered to help clear some of the junk out of her condo. Hers is a mild case, but she is a "cardboard boxes tetrised with whatever" kind of hoarder, so it's going to take a lot of time to sort through it all.
She announces that she has finally had it with all of her boxes of unlabeled videotapes. "So I'm going to watch all of them, one by one, and see which ones get labeled, and which ones get recorded over."
While she sits in her blue recliner with the set remote, I choose a box of black videocassettes, set them on a chair next to the television, and pop the first one into the VCR.
Immediately the television screen displays what appears to be a giant, glistening, apricot danish. With chest trauma. Someone has shot and mortally wounded a breakfast pastry. Why would somebody do that? What kind of cooking show would allow this?
These thoughts pass in a jumble through my head. Actually, it isn't an apricot danish at all. It's the CBS eye. Only it's sideways and pink, and it looks like Cronenberg had a hand in designing...
I realize that I am looking at a vagina. The second I know this, the camera pulls back, and I see that it belongs to my little sister. She is naked, leaning against pillows on my mother's bed. She is completely beavered out. Her boyfriend is videotaping her. And her big apricot snizz.
I stop the tape. Somehow, I do not scream. My mother and I are silent. All of this has transpired in three, perhaps four seconds. I eject the tape. I place the tape in the "erase" pile. Then I leave the room to give my mother some time alone.
I told this story to my friends a while back. After they recovered, Richard said, "Did you really just call it an apricot snizz? That sounds like a cocktail."
So naturally we worked at concocting The Apricot Snizz. Here is what we arrived at.
The Apricot Snizz:
1 part Kern's apricot nectar (or equivalent)
3 parts Champagne or sparkling wine
1 dash of creme de cassis
Okay, so really it's a cross between a Kir Royale and a Bellini, only with apricot purée instead of peach, but I'll be damned if it isn't really good.
So enjoy. Share it with your friends. Spread the Apricot Snizz around. God knows my sister did.
